Game Three vs Sloggers

Yep we won!

Thursday 19th May
Sloggers 25 LSDs Too 26
Middle of the seventh
‘Hands up those who thought we were going to be mercied?’

Entering the bottom of the fifth, with the score 25-9 to the opposition, the answer was everybody. What transpired amazed the shit out of me and if I wasn’t slap bang in the middle of it, would have put this down as a far fetched Dan Brown piece of fantastical fiction.

What happened readers, was very simple. The girls got on base. They walked, they hit into gaps, they swung with confidence, they ran for their lives and also one was called Kirstie Leach. ‘Krusty,’ ‘Thirsty Kirstie’ or as we know her ‘the softball goddess’, she hit five for five, notched up a home run, two doubles and a triple, drove in 7 rbi’s fielded rightfield and second base simultaneously and still didn’t get female most valuable player. That accolade went to the winner of ‘First Base Idol, Sonia Barnfield, who had a ‘barnstormer’ (had to be done!). She got that first base fielding down to a tee, basically she invited the fielders to throw hard and straight to her glove, if we did, she would catch it, if we strayed in line or length then well we’d better get it right next time. But she hit and she hit, and it got contagious.

Leading off at the bottom of the fifth, just getting two runs to avoid the imposition of the mercy rule was uppermost in my thoughts. A nice easy ground ball double, meant that I was safe with Rachel Ps’ at bat. Would have been anyway, with their short stop playing deputy third base, Rachel dinked the ball into the gap, moving me to third. Andrew hit a ground ball that wasn’t fielded cleanly, whilst I scored, everyone was safe. Dawn then found the same gap that Rachel had, bases loaded and Rob up to bat. Rob’s experience was clear to see as he took the walk and walked two runs in. (This may have something to do with the fact that I was offering people a drink for the first walk of the season.) Sonia, as mentioned previously hit another single into the big hole vacated by the short stop, though the hole clearly wasn’t as big as the one between the said fielder’s ears. James continued his progress from the bees ankles to the kneecap area by hitting a home run between the rapidly widening gaps in a deeper and deeper outfield. Kirstie hit a triple into the same area, Alex then went large hitting into the clubhouse over 320 feet away into leftfield. Nine batters up and nine home. Katie turned a 0 and 3 into a 1 and 4, incredibly hitting into the same vacant short stop area, which meant that we had batted round the order, a task that usually takes us three innings was accomplished during the first third of this one.

With their leftfield now dividing duties between fielding and placing an order at the adjacent bar, my line drive to leftfield turned a single into a triple, no outs and 10 runs on the board, Rachel’s second hit of the innings got me home, it was too good to last and sure enough a fielders choice was followed by a walk and then an infield fly wasn’t called by the Blu a double ensued. 20-25 top of the sixth. It began to rain, but we started to defend, a grounder to me started the innings off with an out, then up came Carl their first baseman, whose constant banter I grudgingly enjoy but was getting on the nerves of the newbies. Well, to our amusement he struck out, their girl continued hitting into third base area, Andrew snared the catch. The momentum was with us, and we were getting into the meat of our order, it just got better and better.

Sonia hit even harder than before and it took a good stop from the outfielder to prevent any extra bases. James continued his slow climb up the bees limbs with a line drive to the outfield, the cleatless Sonia took a heavy tumble rounding second still had time to pick herself up and limp to third on the demands of her cruel third base coach, (me). Kirstie did the usual, and scored James and a still shaken Sonia into home. Alex rather foolishly took on the leftfield outfielder who was so deep that he could have sac flyed in Kirstie from second, luckily he won the contest and we were one run behind. Katie struck out for the second time, betraying her status as a rookie rather too obviously much to the pitchers delight. I got a rightfield double on a first pitch swing, again must remember the advice I give everyone else. Rachel then popped up to deputy third base, which I guess finally vindicated his decision to field there, though thanks for at least seven runs… Andrew the Quiet American came to the plate, and frankly to this point his batting has been a disappointment, but at his fifth at bat this season, he managed to elevate the ball into the outfield gaps and as he crossed the plate he represented the go ahead run. Just as well because Dawn struck out to finish the innings that had yielded six runs.

With the lights of the warm and hospitable burning brightly in the distance, we entered the top of the seventh, the ‘blu’ asked if I was okay with the light, simply asked, ‘who said that?’ It was dark, but I wanted to complete this fairly and squarely, even though we were facing their most successful part of the order. Their number 10 came up to bat, having got on base all four previous, finally she looped one straight down Andrew’s throat at third base. With the infield deep, we restricted a clearly agitated Carl the lead off to first base. The ploy worked as the next girl batter hit straight to James and he got the out at second base. With one on and two down, their number three-hitter had gone a perfect 5 for 5. On a 2 and 2 count he hit a ground ball to James, who despite my mad convergence towards second base, calmly took control ran through the bag with plenty to spare. We went slightly potty, Sloggers gave us some genuine applause, and Debs exclaimed that it was the greatest victory she’d had ever witnessed. Maybe so, but what I do know, feeling for the last three seasons that victory was a right it has been a long time since I had felt so elated after a match.

No flouncing and two points, all in all a great night.

Ten things we learnt this week:
1) Winning is better than losing!
2) Kirstie Leach is a softball goddess and we thank her immensely for turning up!
3) Revenge of the Sith was "okay, but far from great." and really the whole Star Wars prequel trilogy has overall been a bit of a disappointment!
4) Our girls really love getting to first base and the boys love to drive them home...five home runs in total!
5) James and Billy (and the rest of the infielders) need to work on a few 'what to do' scenarios!
6) We are all going out next Thursday night, somewhere equidistant between Whiteladies Road and Gloucester Road seems to be ideal.
7) Cleats are a good idea as they may stop you falling over!
8) Is where Alex's cool rating currently resides.
9) As a Bristol City fan, Katie doesn't like to talk about last years' play off final against Brighton, whereas Billy who is a Brighton fan, does want to talk about it quite a lot!
10) Sonia. Not only can she play first base, but she will be able to deliver Debs baby during any future match, which may be handy if we play anymore matches like that last one!

Thursday 18th May
Pre Match
In modern day sport the professional game is subjected to intense media build up. The morning newspapers feature the views of the coaches and the protagonists, the radio stations pick up the same themes and often bung a well appreciated £50 for some clichéd musings from a 1980’s vintage old pro, still bitter about missing out on the riches bestowed by Sky TV. The 24 hour rolling sports news networks, tap into the developing story, live press conferences again padded out with the insights of 1990’s old pro’s who command around £200 for repeating the clichés the producer could have got for £50 if he’d only skipped a generation. Hype, hype, hype, by the time the match commences you feel like you have already played the damn match yourself.

As for the protagonists, the team is selected the night before, everyone remains focussed on the job in hand, they turn up at least three hours prior to the start time, there is nothing that will get in their way, the day is all about one thing. The match is all, nothing else matters in their world.

Thursday night softball in Bristol in general and the LSDs Too in particular couldn’t be further removed from this point, even if Pickfords dedicated their entire fleet of removal vans to the task you’d still struggle to move the two scenarios to within a continent of each other.

This Thursday was a prime case in point.

First off the hype! No-one is remotely interested in Division Two of the Bristol Softball League, not even the majority of the players who participate it in. So, if you are going to generate some hype, it is best done by yourselves. Within the LSDs Too’s, that task is taken up without much prompting by our very own Jose Mouriniho, Alex ‘The Special One’ Parker, the chosen medium of hype, being that of the group e-mail.
hey all
I’m okay to play today, Tuesday 24th and at the tournament.
how cool am i??!!
alex
It was that final question that prompted the days’ debate, initiated by myself.

Subject: How Cool is Alex?

On a scale of 1 to 10?
With
1, being people who have to leave early tonight to go and watch Star Wars i.e. nerds!)
And;
10. Being those people who cannot play next Tuesday because he is working with Martin Johnson our World Cup winning rugby captain.

You decide!

Regards
David Cotton

Matt, weighed in first.

Subject: RE: How Cool is Alex?
Ewww, this can get dangerous!

Anyone cool enough to wear shades all the time gets at least an 8 in my book!

And um...Martin who?

I didn’t rise to the bait, but dangerous, he was right. Dawn piled in saying she reckoned it was at least a ‘seven’ and likened Alex to a young David Hasslehoff, and ventured forth a new nickname ‘The Hoff!

David Cotton > wrote:

No, but I know that he is a big fan of Knight Rider and hopes one day to have a talking car of his own!

He wears them because they are prescription glasses, which in all consideration means it should be a six!

I was bored, so I gave him a six, which really was based on the fact that it was actually prescription sunglasses and that it was a medical necessity not an actual sign of coolness.

We then all received an e-mail from Wendy currently in Florida:
________________________________________
From: wendy silva
Subject: Re: Why does Alex wear shades?
Knight-rider fetish or not, if you want to be cooler than an 8 Alex then come on out to the U S of A. You should see the three who have just shown up to mow the lawn - clearly cowboy-wannabes. This country would be great if you could rid it of all Yanks. They are so weird!

Anyway, back to business - I can play the 24th and the tournament. So I'm not quite as cool as Alex but getting there. Maybe I can make up in tan what I lack in shades!! And no Dawn, before you say it, I'm not quite Hoff orange yet!

See you soon

W

We then all received an e-mail from Matt:

From: Matthew Turrigiano
Sent: 19 May 2005 16:01
Subject: RE: Why does Alex wear shades?
Oi! You are in Florida....lets not damn the whole of my people!
We don't all look and act like that!

Anyway, some had more pressing matters to attend to, not least what to call our new Anderson Rocket Tech. We couldn’t call it Pamela, because that’s what the first team called theirs. Gillian was ruled out on grounds of being too old, (not by me I hasten to add). Dawn weighed in with Rocky, of course this means future purchases could be called Rocky 2 till V. This one is going to have to be opened to the rest of the team.

Enough of the pre match hype! What about the ‘focus’, the match being everything in life. Again some continental drift between the realities of professional and amateur sport was occurring.

Clearly Hayley’s missing appendix meant the rest of her was missing, Matt also dropped out Tuesday, but thankfully come Thursday lunchtime I still had a large squad, or so I thought.

Mark e-mailed me to say that he had got tickets for the Bristol part of the world simultaneous release (escape?) of Revenge of the Sith, and therefore the force would be leaving us at around 7.30pm. Angela the medical student was also going over to the dark side. I got a text from Hen dropping out to childcare problems and her new found need to visit Cambridge. Wendy was in America, Rachel C was up north dog sitting. Fiona texted me at five to say that she was stranded late in London and wouldn’t be able to make the match, the other Hayley also incapacitated.

As I turned up to the ground, having been picked up the ‘Special One’ at Temple Meads, it dawned on me that last week I was being castigated by the league for having too many girls now I had six including a ringer. The phone rang, actually the ninth time it rang, but I was out of earshot warming up. It was Chloe. Baby was puking up she couldn’t come up, so this meant we were without a first base and down to the bare five players, including ringer! With three minutes to go, we held the final of ‘First Base Idol’ choosing three girls from random okay the only three girls we could find and having the infield chucking balls at them hard. Debs, (our Sharon Osbourne?) was the adjudicator, and Sonia, a 28 year old doctor from Bristol was the winner.

So at 6.50pm, we were late because they couldn’t get a team together, I really had no sympathy, the LSDs Too (or more specifically what remained of them) strode out to their positions, most had to be guided. As I began preparations to pitch, behind me was a first base who had never played in the position, a second base who had the benefit of three minutes tuition. On third, we had a star wars fan for whom selection was based solely on his lightsabre skills at bat. In the outfield we had a centre field who between them had played half a game out there. Four of the girls had yet to reach base all season, in contrast to last week, their pitcher and captain was stressed, wound up and was in no mood for proceedings. There could only be only possible outcome.

The Usual Suspect and Mr Right

Friday 11th May
Day passed without any players leaving. Anderson Rocket Tech finally arrived at work, this joy was somewhat tempered by an additional £29 surcharge courtesy of Customs and Excise.

E-mail to team
Ten Things we learnt yesterday!

1) Matt has to leave by 7.30pm, he is however not under the thumb and I am sure the reason is sound.
2) Alex and James have pictures of their cats on their mobile phones, and they are quite proud to show anyone who asks.
3) If you hit an illegal pitch, you run! run! run!!!!
4) Don't hit an illegal pitch, it saves a lot of time.
5) Every time their first base missed the ball, our batters got hit by the ball and stopped us getting extra basis.
6) Debs and Andrew have slightly differing views about where the outfield should stand, but, by golly it was a vast improvement on the previous week.
7) The T-Bolts don't understand the 150 foot rule and nor does that umpire.
8) See, Billy can play after all.
9) Softball is not a summer sport at all, it is in fact best enjoyed by players and spectators when there is a nice cold wind whipping itself across the grounds.
10) I have now got the reputation amongst opposition teams as being a babe magnet, and this is entirely down to attracting women to play softball.
11) Our end of match line ups with the opposition take longer than some of our batting innings.
12) Billy cannot count to ten, except when he is wound up by an extremely irritating ringer and umpire.

Saturday 12th May
Still quiet on the player movement front, and anyway, attention turned to this summers first wedding. A journey into deepest Gloucestershire saw us arrive at Chavenage House (pronounced chave, only recently you’ll understand.) The setting was superb, walking from the courtyard to the reception, I said hello to Gabriel Byrne, he of Usual Suspects fame, Milly said hello too, but totally oblivious to his significance. I wondered whether this was being covered by Hello magazine.

It was a totally relaxed event, which was saved by Milly and Dr Jean who after much persuasion started playing the piano in the absence of the by now un-amplified music. It was only chopsticks but that lead to more adventurous pianists coming out of the woodwork until I swear there was a bloke who reckoned he was Elton John started plonking away. Ended up by driving back Bethan, by the end of the journey, I am sure that her and three female flat mates had signed up to play softball, ‘speak to you in a week’s time!’ Bet she doesn’t.

Monday 15th May
Training seemed to pass off alright, everyone was chatty, laughing and getting on with practising rather than flouncing. Batting practice was order of the day and much to Fiona’s continuing frustrations as the night drew in she constantly swung and missed, diplomatically it was agreed by all that the pitching was rubbish. Had an e-mail from Sarah Gillies, complaining that she had to take charge of the first team and that they were short of blokes. Can we help?

Despite Debs and Alex’s strident advice to the contrary, I said I see who was available. That evening decided that we are going to need a tad more experience in the outfield at least it would save any 150 foot plus conversations. Went fishing on our league website;

Bristol Softball Association Discussion Board: Players Looking for Teams:
Man with good legs looking for regular thursday game
By robwright on Tuesday, May 03, 2005 - 09:57 pm:

Hi folks, I've recently moved to Bristol and am looking to join a team. I learnt the craft in Leytonstoned Again team of London’s Div 1 GLMSL league. I enjoy hitting a home run, catching a home run hopeful and sinking a few cheeky scoops in the bar afterwards. Call me on 0117 xxx xxxx or email if you need a fun loving, dedicated team player.

Rang Rob first and was answered by a broad Yorkshire accent. Unbelievably he lives at the other end of my road. Also had another Gumtree response from a student called Anglea Lim who plays women’s cricket at Bristol University. E-mailed her about practice and said she’d come along.

Tuesday 16th May Friendly vs Real Flyers
Each Tuesday, one Div Three team has to miss out on regular league fixtures, this represents an ideal opportunity to have some practice matches to give everyone experience of game scenarios and help ease the new guys in. Jamie Cole, a very enthusiastic individual, who is quite high in the world of model helicopters, was subjected to some friendly banter from Mark. Only those who had watched Field of Dreams would have got Mark’s ‘Come on Moonlight’ taunts to Jamie. Rob and Angela turned up and looked good fielders, more importantly Rob knows what he is doing out there in the fields. He bought me a cheeky scoop, which translates in southern as being a beer.

Wednesday 17th May‘Are you sure that this is not Thursday?’
It was meant to be a joke, but, the Desparadoes and Grandslammers, all 112 at bats of them, proved that though it was a First Division match by name, it was very much a Second Division match by nature. No-one could catch the bloody thing in the outfield. God it was tedious.

Elsewhere the first team won, Sarah, thanked me for Rob’s presence, no-one else did. Kind of confirmed that my feelings yesterday were spot on, I think Piers, Ginge and Sarah know that I certainly wasn’t doing it for most of the others, well let’s be specific, Mike and the Cockney Prick. Even though saying that Mike and I have been very amicable, we clearly just needed time apart. Amar, not one word, which is so damn unusual for the guy but bliss nonetheless.

Game Two vs T-Bolts

Game Two: Thursday 10th May
LSDs 8 T-Bolts 11 Top of the 7th
“Are you taking the piss or what?”

The T-Bolts weren’t taking too kindly to the sight before them. Having been relegated from the 1st Division last year, the established team were busily scrapping together a bare quorate whilst on the LSDs sideline the new team had gathered together 23, yep count them, 23 players and spectators for the second softball lesson of the season. It soon turned out that this weeks’ lesson was, communication.

One week on and nothing much had changed. The weather was cold, helped to that end by a nice head wind for the batters. We had replaced one American in the outfield with another and once again it started well. Despite my efforts on Tuesday, I let James lead off, he got to second, Hen moved him round to third through a base hit. Matt came up, and flyed out, Rachel C got out as usual to make it two down, don’t worry I did say it was a good start so hang in there! Well, after choking last week, took forth the confidence from 48 hours previously and hit a rightfield triple. Mitigating circumstances were that in right field was Catherine Philpott still two months into recovery from several broken ribs and collarbone courtesy of a skiing accident. Also, they only had eight other fielders, Chloe slapped one into leftfield, driving me home and along came Alex to tower a home run into leftfield, 5-0 at the top of the first. Then, that was it. As with last week, all our runs came in the first innings.

Sure we dribbled a couple of runs in, but whilst the boys kept leaving runners on base, we clocked up 7 fielders choices between us. Frustratingly the girls are still swinging without intent. They are crowding the plate not giving themselves the room to fully extend the arms or even step into the ball. To reduce the power even more of them are starting their back swing from their hips thus compounding the power shortage problems. So how many times are we going to have to tell these people? Those who get this game and play well are those who grasp the basics and grasp them sometime during their first summer. So at the moment we have four girls who have yet to get on base, three girls who can hit barely hit past the pitcher, and only three who can hit through or over the infield, and this only on an occasional basis. Ah but I remind myself again, are they a nice bunch? Well, yes so then diary shut the fuck up.

Despite this lack of offence it did however take five innings to squander our lead, T-Bolts were kind enough to play to our infield strengths, the short stop and third base partnership is beginning to work well. One particular fine piece of team work was when Matt and James converged on the same ball, James fielded, Matt stopped, James bounced off Matt’s stomach and then threw to first carried by the rebounding momentum. Chloe kept on catching everything her way and I even got four strike outs, two put outs and a couple of assists. Alas Hayley B had a nightmare on two, making four errors, not that I was counting, ‘Debs’ was doing that.

Ah yes, Debs. After last weeks nightmare performance I needed to concentrate on playing my game rather than everyone else’s. To that end, it was time therefore to temporarily hand over responsibility Personally it worked a treat, four hits at four at bats, three RBI’s, and I pitched well enough to contain the T-Bolts to within touching distance all game and generally relaxed. It however, was at the expense of some sensational ego clashing between Debs and Andrew, this weeks’ American outfielder. I had asked Debs and Andrew to sort the outfield into something resembling a defence. I laid down diagrams, spending a couple of train journeys placing ‘clip art’ pictures of softball gloves on a simulated diamond, which without a mouse was bloody difficult. A phrase that aptly summed up the relationship between Debs and Andrew, which would have been fine if it wasn’t shouted over 150 plus feet. You had to feel sorry for Alex and Wendy, I would have also included Hen, but as she admitted herself, she was totally oblivious to the whole saga, match and very much else that night too.

Andrew wanted to play shallow about 175 feet maximum, a policy which I do agree with, and if it wasn’t for an unfortunate errors from Alex and Hen which cost us 5 runs, it was a policy that would have kept us in the game. I mean we even got outs in the outfield. Debs was too cautious and based everything on the batters reputations. I have to say I thought it was all rather amusing, but a few of the newbies were a little perturbed by what was going around them, especially so Wendy, who asked me to have a word.

I had my own beef having got annoyed that having provided a large sheet of names, that these did not make the score sheet, Debs didn’t know you could add more subs on the back, I didn’t know she didn’t know. So I had 23 people and only could use 14, so, when Matt had to go home at 7.30pm, something else I didn’t know, we had to bring in Jamie who had managed to hurt himself in warming up and keep Mark on the sidelines. It took about a match and four fifths, but yes surprise, surprise I exclaimed a few words of verbal frustration mainly with myself for not checking everything out. My first temper tantrum of 2005, Debs got all hormonal until I explained what I was upset about.

Then at the top of the seventh we went to the ‘attitude’ corner, Hayley who was arming her new found critic with some more ammunition, managed to hit an illegal pitch to affect an easy double play. The ease somewhat aided by the fact that Hayley was not only oblivious to the fact that hitting an ‘illegal’ pitch made it all nice and legal. (Yes at this point I would blame the coach for what happened, but come on I have had enough trouble teaching them to look the right way when at bat, there just ain’t enough time).

Hayley was also oblivious to the vocal exhortations of Debs base coaching first to run!, run !!!, Hayley, run!!!!! She made about four bewildered steps towards first before the ball thudded into first bases mitt. As the discussion raged across 70 odd feet you just knew that when Hayley went into the sanctuary of our sideline gathering, she wasn’t telling everybody how right Debs was.

So at the end of the game, whilst I was discussing with the umpire about the 150 foot rule and his inability to enforce it, I got back to the clubhouse to learn that the following alleged flouncing took place.

Debs and Alex flounced off annoyed with Hayley. Andrew flounced off because of Debs and Hayley and her partners in strop had flounced off in the other direction annoyed with Debs. With James dashing home due to wife’s illness, Jamie going to get some ice on his arm and Matt already departed, we were the only team that only had 14 left in the bar, still the biggest and loudest contingent.

Two players down

Friday May 4th
Had a look at the scorebook, ouch, I batted .250 and Dan only got one at bat. I’ll concede he had a right to be annoyed. Jerry’s e-mails didn’t cease, we reckon that T-Bolts (our next opponents) will run away with the league, and that Sloggers, T-Bolts, ABS and ourselves are likely to be fighting out relegation. He did suggest that it maybe best for the girls not to swing the bat for the next two months. Ha ha Jerry.

Oh and in other matters Labour won the election, lost in my seat, despite my voting at 7.02am yesterday morning, I was the third to vote, Milly ensured she went before me.

Sunday May 5th
Championship Football Final Day
13.06: Arrive at the Rising Sun in Gloucester Road, and glanced at the screen, ‘great they are showing Brighton vs Ipswich (two other pubs hadn’t been), oh crap we are already one nil down!’
13.08: Sat down at the back of the pub, audience consists of student and girlfriend, he is from Sussex. Shake hands and Adam Virgo puts in parried save, 1-1.
13.09 – 15.01: The most stomach churning, gut wrenching time I have had to endure since well, last May I guess. Competing with a rampant Ipswich attack, an equally desperate Crewe and Gillingham, the fluctuations tore into the Seagull nation’s collective nerves. At half time we were safe, my fellow Albion pub dweller was complaining that there was no tension, Crewe were losing, so were Gillingham, Rob’s (he of the original 1995 line up and watching the match at the ground) text summed up the mood,

‘Very nervy! So far so good…Need 4 goals to go against us.”

Well one by one they bloody well did, on the third Crewe took the lead and Rob sent a one word text ‘bugger’ it meant that for the last ten minutes if we conceded we were relegated. Mind you Ipswich helped by playing four up front, in the end we could and should have won by four goals to one. Well, that’s what relief does for you, makes you exaggerate events as Rob’s final text amply illustrated;
“Get in!! Need new pants now!!”

And so will Carolyn Hecker, because she is pregnant, husband Barry (another 1995 original) and Carolyn came round to the house to announce the good news. We really have to get round to doing this ourselves, pretty soon please.
Then to training, after two and a bit hours, with the girls going under a performance appraisal from Debs, I came to the conclusion during batting practice that Jerry may have a point about our girls. Though, in a move reminiscent of one of those formulaic sports movies, Andrew, who I have got to describing in an affectionate way, the Quite Odd American, brings his girlfriend up to watch him, she gets roped into practice and not only can throw but also bat extremely well. It certainly shrunk Andrew’s ego!

Monday 7th May
Team management e-mails between Debs and myself Deb seems to think that Hayley B is getting a bit of attitude about her importance to the team, not wanting to play outfield because it is boring. Boring? She clearly forgot the last match then, when the outfield was busier than the M25 at rush hour. Thankfully Debs is going to do some evaluation charts on the girls’ performances, and they call me a ‘softball nerd’? I don’t want to nag Hayley, and I think that she will turn out alright.

Group e-mail to all team captain’s arrived from Piers pleading for umpiring help throughout the summer, from what I learn he’s still in Northamptonshire so why the hell is he still having to do all this chasing around? Surely, the others can pull their weight?

Tuesday 8th May
Got home earlier than expected tonight and having left my mobile phone received an urgent SOS to pitch for Real Flyers a 3rd Div team. Got there with seconds to spare, and thoroughly enjoyed the pressure free atmosphere. Went 5 for 5, all doubles and really just used the occasion to practice placing the ball where it would be equally effective in Div 2. Pitched ten times better too, quite depressed when I saw how good their girls were, even more so when I learnt that for most of them this was their first game. Highlight of the game was when the opposition centre outfielder was running to take a fly ball, stopped, slid landed on his bum, instinctively stuck his glove up to protect his face and caught the ball. The other 99 times he would have got hit in the face, so savour the moment. Sarah from the first team looks like she has stepped into help out and I forwarded all the contact information she needed.

Wednesday 9th May
After the usual 40 minute drive across three miles of Bristol and headlong dash to the pitch, spent the next 90 minutes staring into a low sun trying to determine strikes and balls, as Ge Wizz faced off with the Guppy Spotters. Gareth, he of league team fame, pitched a beauty, mainly using the sun, and his nine strong team beat a woefully out of sorts opposition.

The first team had a shut out against another favoured team, the Pitchforkers. So Ginge has yet to give up a run off his pitching in two whole matches, which is exceptional in baseball, let alone nothing short of sensational in softball Alas, any joy was understandably tempered by the news that Piers’ mum passed away last night. Having myself lost both parents you like to think you know what he is going through and have the words to help. But, everyone’s grief is individual and they will handle it in their own way. Started to make arrangements with Dunny about going up to the funeral, but again work may get in the way It was Piers’ birthday today too.

Game One vs Imperial

Thursday May 3rd
GAME ONE: LSD Too 5 Imperial 15
“Well, at least he didn't hit a home run off me.”

Well, that sorted the Kevin problem out didn’t it?

The pre match defection of Kevin Pattenden to Imperial, left me without any experience in the outfield, and as Imperial didn't possess the decency to hit into my quality infield we were well and truly exposed. Why did Kevin leave us? Probably for some all round peace and quiet.

Well, we will have to thank a couple of precious violets in our team who objected to being told what to do, and then subsequently brought in the sort of performances which merely confirmed that listening instead of whingeing would have been the best course of action. There was a lot of irony in the fact that Kevin fielding at third did make a lot of outs off the girls. Mind you everyone including Kevin seems to be happy, so this may end the politics.

It also leaves me without a back up pitcher and certainly conscious, as are others, that at the moment Kevin wasn't really the problem. Mind you since Imperial have been an organisational shower, Kevin is needed as much there as he was by us. Not that this crossed my mind at 6.45pm.

The season started in a biting wind whipping in from the Bristol Channel, which may account for the freezing of individual performances. Always one to lead by example, I had a shocker, and I think that the softball gods were paying me back for a relaxed pre season. Certainly felt an overwhelming sense of disappointment, but only in my own performance, defeat was shrugged off, no inquests were demanded, just a collective sense of people enjoying their evening out and determined that next time they will do better. Hang on, I’ll read that line again...This is so alien to me, I don't know whether I can cope, but after game one, my pitcher expectations have hurriedly changed from ‘ah flyball that's out' to 'please, please can we keep them to three' type exhortations. Things will surely get better.

My other lost player was an American called Dan. Now when Milly states he was a 'complete twat' and Alex and Debs, the people responsible for his presence, felt his attitude was, 'offish and that they wouldn't expend any energy begging him to stay' then you get to realise that this isn't causing me so much distress. He apparently objected to being subbed, I was fairly oblivious to his annoyance, but as we were in the middle of trying to fit 17 players into 10 spots, I kind of thought that chances were some people were going to play half a game, as I was, until my back up pitcher defected! His marshalling of the outfield was akin to watching an episode of 'One Man and his Dog', an episode where the man had just been introduced to his dog and the sheep are all deaf. At one stage I had three centre-fielders in a neat triangle, though I have to concede that it looked symmetrically beautiful especially to the batters.

But as Hen says, 'the rest are really nice!'

It all started so well, I led off into right field and got on base, it would have been a double but they had a boy ringer out in rightfield. Hayley B then hit into the outfield and as Lorraine fumbled I 'sped' into third drawing the throw and creating the space to enable Hayley to creep into second. Alas we had Shepherd Dan on base-coaching duties and he called Hayley B to two after a detour via the outfield, where she was easily tagged. To compound the waste, our left handed slugger Matt Turrigiano hit the ball way over right field for a two shot walk round home run. After the first innings we were 3 - 2 down, that unfortunately was as good as it got, at one stage nine batters were retired in a row. Time certainly flies when you are three up three down. Meanwhile, Imperial batted err imperiously, though an experienced outfield would have halved their score.

With the squad turnout higher than enjoyed by most parliamentary constituency's it at least gave me the option to use 17 players in the match. None was finer than Chloe on first base! She hadn't played for two years yet every chance was taken with ease and despite the hypothermic conditions, you could see she was enjoying her comeback. Chloe scooped the first MVP LSDs Too trophy. It was a shame that Hen couldn't play, but there again someone last week had to get injured doing cartwheels and who better than Hen? We managed 11 hits out of 30 attempts. Great if you are playing baseball, pretty poor if you are playing softball.

Reality bites your bum, not only did we lose two points, we lost two players as well. The only consolation being that my good friend and opposition pitcher Jerry Gyde didn't hit a home run off me. Have to admit that he even pitched better than me, which must have a lot to do with this being the first season he's pitched with a real not imaginary girlfriend.

So what else did I learn?

I know that out that I have a great short stop in James, but knew that already. I now know that I have a good outfielder in Alex and Andrew (another American) certainly knows what he should be doing.. In Matt I trust, to hit very large and very long, whilst doing stellar defensive work on third. I know that our girls have to do a lot more training but are about a month from getting it sussed. I know Hen will make a big difference, I know Chloe will make herself alot more available. I know that we cannot stop recruiting. I know we have to play more friendlies and I know that surely I cannot play so badly this time. But above all else, I all know that Thursday nights will never be the same again and that for the next 14 weeks I are going to go through a lot of highs, lows and at this rate, players!

One month to Opening day

Thursday 17th March 2005 First Team Meltdown
There can be no return, I was fucking steaming on receiving the group e-mail sent out by Piers.

Insert e-mail

So fired off my response which went along these lines, though I have lost the original…

Thank you Piers for your kind words, but I think it’s only fair to explain the real reasons why I won’t be playing for you this season.

1) Bored: You are going to win Division One this year and after three years it doesn’t really excite me.
2) If I stayed Mike would go and also take a few more of you with him.
3) In a season when Mike regularly had people like Amar, Clive, Ginge and Debs whingeing in his ear hole, the one time I make a comment I get rounded on verbally. Felt a bit of bias creeping in.

Now it was they last point that got things moving. Amar send me an expletive laden e-mail telling me I wouldn’t be missed and calling me petty. And I pissed Debs off who told me that she would after all be helping me out.

Well to Amar, ‘fuck you, you arrogant cockney prick, you stunk the team out last year deserved to be benched and it was good riddance to wherever you went to.’ Refrained from sending that one, well, it would be petty of me.

To Debs, well, I need the help and as stated just the other day the reason why I need her is that it is precisely her bluntness that will help get the team on the track. If channelled positively.

Well, I grovelled back and got her on board again, so looking forward to league training on Sunday and the meeting with Piers.

Meanwhile the word from Muppet was that things didn’t work out last night and that more importantly we were going to be three girls short. I had already scheduled in a pre season chat with all the team to make them aware of the pitfalls with inter team dating during the season. Muppet has kindly provided a living breathing example for us all to heed.

FRIDAY 18TH MARCH 2005 Fiona Reynolds and Louise Sloper
Lesson Eight: Being a smart arse sometimes has its advantages.

All captains received an e-mail from Communications Officer Wade Burrell, most people tend to ignore such communications from Wade, as they tend to be about trivial matters such as umpiring or his current need for a housemate. Anyway this one gave the details of a keen female, Fiona Reynolds, and her mate Louise Sloper, who desperately wanted to play softball. As we desperately needed females, it made sense to write back immediately. How do you sell yourself though? Well I noted that both had an email address for a company that sends people into the High Street to seek two minutes of your time to cure cancer, third world poverty etc. So an idea sprang to mind…

From: David Cotton
Sent: 18 March 2005 09:13
To: Louise Sloper; Fiona Reynolds
Subject: Softball
Excuse me have you got a minute to talk about softball?

Did you know that just for £7 a month over five summer months you could help change the lives of 12 people of varying ages from 23 upwards?

All you have to do is turn up to the Downs the Sunday after Easter and you get to meet these people, once you see them in their current plight I am sure that you will commit to the cause and deep down inside feel a warm glow of satisfaction that comes from having helped make a difference.

We are a new team so everyone doesn't know each other and that makes it a perfect environment for newcomers, there are a few experienced people involved to help coach the newcomers. We play on Thursday nights so you can also play in the Clifton League on Wednesday nights.
...thank you for your time and if interested please send me an e-mail and I will forward you the time and venue

From: Fiona Reynolds
Sent: 18 March 2005 09:31
To: David Cotton
Subject: re Softball
ha ha! Yes we would like to come and join you, is it the 3rd April? Could we have more details? Fi
Would like to think that a bit of creativity went a long way, but what ever the reason it did mean two more females.

Sunday 20th March
‘Well that e-mail caused a few problems didn’t it’
Said Mr Bentley as he joined the group on the Downs and as always it is very difficult to stay mad with Piers Bentley and having explained with a big smile on my face that he was bloody right and put him a friendly head lock, we got on with league training and again it went well. Shame I cannot be part of the team this year, but if they can get some power from the guys, they just might surprise a few Comp A teams.

Lesson Nine: Pick up players from other teams: Kevin Pattenden
During the course of another session of indoor softball, we are doing pants and it is not worth talking about it, started to chat with Kevin about his softball dilemma. Currently playing in Div One alongside Sarah his wife, their need for childcare means that only one can play, and as with all other teams the need for females outweighs all other selectorial considerations, so he wouldn’t get a look in. He’s not a great player, but certainly will be able to provide opinions on what to do to the players and will run the outfield, which is still a big concern. I am trying to recreate the structure that so helped the previous second team, for Dan and Paul read Debs and Kevin, trouble maybe that Dan and Paul were a lot more relaxed than these two individuals.

Friday April 1st
Barely had time to get my feet under my work desk when I received an email and then an excited phone call from Mrs C. Her brother Fran has just informed her that the 13 year old family cat is pregnant. The date didn’t register for either of us. Meanwhile, sent everybody details of our first training session, Chloe’s working, Buncey is in Cuba, Kevin is also away, but it’s looking like we certainly have enough players to form a team. Just as well really, considering I have just sent the league our £370 registration cheque. Now there is a leap of faith, if I ever saw one. Off up to Shropshire tonight with Jerry and Eva, Jerry and I will be using the spacious lawns of the in-laws for pitching practice and no doubt start a season long abuse session about each other’s chances.

Sunday April 3rd: Training Day 5.22pm
‘Hey Billy its Tim here, you’d better get a hurry up, looks like you’ve got 20 odd people up here already’
Late, thanks to traffic jams in Henbury and also the fact that we were late leaving Shropshire had spent a lovely weekend at the in-laws. The worst thing that could happen is having 20 strangers not knowing each other and then leave. I had rung Hayley N, who confirmed there were lots of people playing softball, she reckoned over 25. When I arrived in a slight mood with Mrs C, the sight indeed was a joy to behold. Softballers to the left of me, softballers to the right me of I charged into the downs of delight. The Durdham Downs is split in two by a road linking Whiteladies Road to Stoke Bishop. On the other side, the first team were drawing their training to conclusion, waved to Piers who acknowledged, but I think we both knew that at the moment best not cross the symbolic divide. Tim, he of City Slickers fame had kept part two of his bargain, part one was provision of players, part two was gloves, which he handed over in a John Lewis carrier bag. Part one didn’t look like happening, but both of us will keep it from the league.

Instantly recognised James, Hayley N, Rachel C and Hayley B from previous meetings, then was introduced to Hayley N’s friend Rachel who may or not be joining. Fi and Louise, they of charity muggers fame, introduced themselves. Fiona was the shorter of the two, with Louise explaining that a back problem would be sidelining her. It was a bit cold to be sitting round, but I wasn’t to argue. James was throwing with a large chap wearing a Yankees shirt, who needlessly introduced himself I knew immediately that this must be Matt. Following on from our previous conversations just had a brief chat about helping with coaching the newbies. To the north of this group were Debs and Alex hitting a bag of balls out towards a chap in a Yankees shirt, blimey, two in the same team. Dan Hines, a resident of Clevedon, and a member of Alex’s pool team was resplendent in jeans and said shirt of satan. Debs warned me that he might not be as good as he had been making out, but haven’t we all I responded. The other ten softballers were the property of Keith Osbourne, including Stuart and Debbie from the indoor team. After swapping the pre requisite banter about why they in particular should have started a month earlier as they need all the practice they could get, we consented to a mix and match game at about six. It was obvious they would win that one comfortably, and whilst I knew that Stuart and Keith would enjoy it immensely, defeats in April means nothing when the season starts in May.

It was a cold April evening with a harsh easterly whipping in across the deserted downs. In an attempt to keep everyone warm did lots of fielding exercises or, as is the sporting vernacular, fielding drills. See if you make pitcher the coach, then if he has any sense he’ll make sure he has a team that can field as this saves him standing out in the middle pitch after pitch. The newcomers firstly had to get used to using their wrong hand to field the ball. Right handed fielders wear gloves on their left hand as it means they can throw with their good hand. Its always fun to include a right hand glove in the pile and see if anyone starts with it. Didn’t work with this lot.

Then Matt, Debs and myself took them aside and tried to give them a bit of batting practice. Wasn’t expecting great things it was really just an exercise in getting together though we were only three weeks away from the start of the season.

The match was every bit as predicted, we came third in a two horse race. Hayley B and Rachel C both hit the ball well for girls, and I’d like to point out that this was their assessment as did Alex, but again he’s a boy, James looked a good fielder and Matt, who bats left handed, hit a tremendous bomb down the right field line. He also was the better pitcher out of the two Yankees fans it is something that would be beneficial to the team as I am not around every week. Now to the serious part of getting everyone gelling after we had to thaw out Louise who had sat rigid through the training session. We had billed a post match drink and found one open on the top of Whiteladies Road, last time it was called Bohemia but it had some Russian name I had forgotten by the time I typed this up. Matt had to go, he did have his eldest in tow, but stated he was looking forward to the season, not as much as I am having him in the team.

As we all sat round the drink laden table, it was my first sell of softball and what we are trying to do, err have fun and be competitive. James thought I was being a bit ambitious when I mentioned I reckoned we could win the C nationals, keep the faith James. Dan said he had a really good brother, but he lived in the states, but I explained we had probably reached our quota of Yankees fans in fact it was probably two over quota at the moment. Hayley B made a pointed reference that she wouldn’t last long if anybody nagged her, the fact that she was looking at me as she said it was a nod to the past coaching of Busi Bees. Duly noted Miss Butt. Hayley N said she wasn’t sure as did Rachel her friend, who much to my amusement is married to a Neil Diamond who plays softball, two jokes with one name. Explained that Chloe was only available Thursdays, Hen her friend was on her way back from Sri Lanka any day soon, Buncey is currently on holiday in Cuba and that his friend Sonia would be joining. Muppet’s problems got an airing as an example of the perils of dating, especially those who date within a team. It’s a mistake we learnt in the old LSDs, okay I learnt, as when it all goes pear shaped, it has a dramatic effect on team dynamics.

It was an encouraging turn out and as with the original line up of the LSDs the following will be legends soon.
• Alex Parker
• James Baker
• Billy Cotton
• Hayley Nash
• Hayley Butt
• Rachel Coggon
• Rachel Diamond
• Matt Turrigiano
• Dan Hines
• Fiona Reynolds
• Crowd Louise Sloper
• Coach Debs Holmes
• Equipment: Tim Crocker

Got a lift back home from Louise and Fiona, did ask Fiona if she’d like to liaise with all female recruitment enquiries as it looked a bit creepy me doing it. Alarmingly she agreed it was indeed creepy and she’d be delighted to liaise with all future females.

On my return home to Mrs C, she asked how it was going to be? My honest opinion is that we need two months before this team can start functioning, it means that the likes of Kevin, James, Matt and myself along with Chloe, Hen and I reckon Hayley B are going to have to hit the ground running to give us any hope. On the more important side, it looks like that they are a really nice bunch of people, this could be fun.

Sunday 10TH April
For the last couple of days I have enrolled into Wades Umpire School. The man has a passion, and its one that whether or not you equally enjoy you certainly have to equally endure. Over the course of the season I will have to umpire seven first division matches, which even if it wasn’t for the fact that four of them include matches involving our first team, is a pretty daunting ask of the raft of newcomers. So, stepping up to (sorry behind the) plate was I, sacrificing a weekend for a multitude of rules and scenarios that may or may not occur in the course of the following season.

My favourite umpire school scenario is from Richie Cormack, currently travelling the world with wife Kama.
‘With a runner on first the batter strikes a fly ball that hits off the forcefield of a landing UFO, straight towards the leftfielder. The force of the ball takes the fielders glove straight off into the hands of the covering centre fielder who throws ball and glove straight to first base, before the runner tags up. Who’s safe?’*

Some of the points raised weren’t that bizarre but not far off in terms of probability. Anyway I scored some ridiculous 88% in my exam and did alright with my mechanics so certainly I am now qualified to take charge of the matches.

* Answer: No one’s safe. The Aliens would kill everyone with their death ray.

Training Day 2
Definite step up in intensity today, which had a lot to do with Kevin turning up, there are definitely two strong personalities at work here, and this could either be very good or very destructive. Kevin solves my outfield general problem. As for the players, Fi looks like she could become useful, Rachel C is hitting the ball but not getting it through the infield. Hayley B is looking the best female player in the team, but the chances of moving her from second base and having a quiet summer look remote. I am assured that Hen and Chloe will be around, which means I have a starting line up.

Blokes wise no such problems. Despite fielding on the life threatening surface that is Durdham Downs, James displays great hands. He does the fundamentals so well, and I guess that is a credit to his upbringing. Matt, is going to be our RBI man at No.3 and will be a useful third base and back up pitcher. Alex is hitting the ball hard and long and will be a good bat at number five. Kevin and I make up a strong starting five. Dan is good fun, but as Alex and Debs pointed out to me prior to his first session, is not as good as he thinks he is, which may or may not be problem but one thinks it could turn out to be. To survive in this division we are probably going to need another strong female player.

Monday 11th April
One of the biggest advantages over 1995 is the internet. There is a proliferation of websites to post public messages upon. One such is Gumtree.com and felt it the best time to place an advert for ‘Experienced Female Softball Players’. There were other sections on the website that the posting may have also worked. ‘Five men need five twenty-something girls for outdoor fun’ type message would have fitted in quite nicely. If you cannot sell the sport, sell the dating agency angle.

Tuesday 12th April Fixture List
Christmas Day for sad people like me, I get the opportunity to get excited and plan my next four months. Mass e-mail to all captains from Wade, provides details of our first few fixtures. The league consists of eight teams and we have 14 weeks to play everyone home and away but on the same field, oh it takes too long, just go with me on this.

Our opening match is against ABS Surveys, which is a blessing in disguise. They are a team we need to beat twice if we are to stay up but of course with a completely new team we might not achieve that.

The next two are against Imperial and T-Bolts two of the strongest teams in the league. I’d fancy our chances against Imperial two months on, but not T-Bolts, too strong for the Division and narrowly missed survival from Division One. It gets a bit easier after that, we get Sloggers, which could go either way, Barbarians ditto, Tigers, which we will win comfortably then end the first half of the season with a prospective thumping from Raccoons. So the realistic target is three wins in the first half, and I reckon four in the second. Softball on paper, I am afraid is a lot easier than playing on the green stuff, but we are safe with a 7 and 7 record. Nothing to worry about!

Wednesday 13th April
Hotmail account received first enquiry, Michelle Downs, 22 years old American who used to play a lot and is now eager to start. Passed the e-mail onto our newly anointed, female recruitment officer, Fiona, who promised to get right on it, this could be the start of a trend of awarding pointless job titles to team members. See, I have learnt something from working in sports administration.

Sunday 17th April
GB Softball Training Day at the ground, the annual opportunity for the local legends of GB softball to impart the wisdom of their success to the next generation. As most of their softball success has come off the field, in tents across the fields of weekend tournaments across the country, they had to restrict their instructions to the simple matters of hitting a ball, catching a ball and throwing the ball. Thankfully we had use of the astro-turf as the rain did its best to ruin the experience for Fiona, Hayley B, Sonia, Hayley N and Alex.

Whilst all of the newcomers were struggling to cope with the demands, two girls stood a mile out. They could throw, hit and had boundless energy. It didn’t take too long to talk to them, just in case they didn’t have any teams to play for, you never know. They explained that they would be playing for the Raccoons and not too long to realise that they were the two girls that Muppet had promised to deliver. It was like being a failed contestant in a TV game show being shown what we could have won. I am certain that in my disappointment I had promised to chuck Muppet out if they came over, well, considering he hadn’t turned up, it didn’t seem that harsh. After all as Lynsey said herself;
‘Staying for breakfast is commitment to Muppet.’

Hayley N got hit in the mouth, and was cheesed off as Alex kindly pointed out she should have held her glove higher, oh the times I’ve said that too. We mean well, but, hey the offence I have caused in the past, remind myself not to do it. Hayley N had the incident but it was me that felt down in the mouth on my trip up the Downs. We did however convince a girl called Jane to come and join our practice session straight from The Downs. A massive push to get people to turn up meant that we did have a team present and some subs, slowly but surely it is coming all together, and, Hen is back in the country. This Jane looked good and she only plays for a Downs League team, so could be very useful.

Monday 18th April
Sensing the urgency of the situation Fi e-mails the American girl, she cannot make Thursday night but seems interested. Get a jokingly irate phone call from Stuart asking what we are doing poaching one of their players. I rightly claimed innocence, but he then explained that Jane was playing for Barbarians. Well how was I to know, she never said anything, honest!

Tuesday 19th April
Have stepped up training to twice a week, mainly in an attempt to get people to get use to clearing their schedules for the summer ahead. Despite that, only a few people turned up, still no sign of Chloe, Hen and Muppet, which were allegedly the cornerstones of my team. To compound matters I wasn’t there. I would panic if I didn’t already know that every team in the league was probably at the same stage. Louise has pulled out, Hayley N is probably going the same way as Rachel her friend. Sonia the friend of James and Steven is a constant no show.

The names of those who say they are going to attend but never do are becoming bewildering and despite my public calm persona I am getting concerned. Vibes from Hayley and Alex about whether we are going to have enough players confirm I am not the only one concerned. Well actually, it was a lengthy mobile phone call that indicated Alex’s concern.

Promised him that I would send an e-mail just to reassure them but also get their help in drumming up word around our softball community.

From: David Cotton
Sent: 22 April 2005 09:18
To: 'Butt, Hayley'; 'Alex'
Subject: Hayley and Alex: About last night.
Alex and Hayley

I hope that you will undertake the task of emailing the following people as a group to encourage everyone to meet up on Sunday, EVEN IF IT IS RAINING; we will have a team meeting instead, though like last week we will be using the astroturf.

4pm-6pm Beginner training for everybody who missed last week.
6pm-7pm Team training
7.30pm Social
It would be great if you stress that it would be great if people could let EVERYONE know whether they will be there, i.e. hit 'reply all'. Also if anybody has any need to do some training during the week prior to Thursday night to arrange amongst the group.

These people have confirmed for next Thursday.
Billy (yes I have given up my Hollywood career).
James (on call last night, clear for rest of summer).
Matt (on holiday, clear for next three months).
Alex
Kevin
Dan
+
Mike (a friend who did state that semi professional rugby commitments would keep him out till next week. He also is bringing two girls along)
Steve (a friend of James, been on holiday, bringing an ex player called Sonia along).

Hayley Butt
Rachel (had her dad down to help out)
Fiona (was in London)
Chloe (ex first teamer has spent most of April doing shifts to clear as many Thursday nights as possible SHE'S WORKING SUNDAY to be able to play Thursday)
Hen (ex first teamer been away in Sri Lanka just got back)
Hayley Nash (still nursing knee injury but will be there as back up)
+
Michelle (experienced but new to us, Fiona is her contact and she should be there Sunday and Thursday)
Sonia (Steve's friend, used to play in the league).
Eli (on standby, ex first teamer plays on the Downs League)
Louise (plays with Eli).

Share your concerns, but, not more I can do, I don't want to nag, hassle or moan at people because they will simply walk away! There is however an overwhelming lack of communication, instead of reply people should hit reply all and when we get them together that's what I want to see happening.

I would still like to see two more girls join, and have e-mailed over 100 sports clubs in Bristol to get the word around.

DON'T PANIC
Regards
Billy

It was the Sunday before the start of the season, I had already pencilled in the opening day starting line up. My only problem was that the experience plan was causing problems. It seems that Kevin’s ‘tell it like it is’ style combined with Debs ‘tell it like it is’ style is causing friction. Clearly the ‘nagging’ as Hayley B succinctly puts it, is putting people off.

It’s a fine line though. We are playing in Div Two and even though I want this time to be about enjoyment first and results later, I do know that throw in a few heavy defeats at the start of the season and you then struggle to maintain enthusiasm and then you end up spending the rest of the season trying to get players.

I have had no problems with what is being said and done, but I clearly need to curb that enthusiasm as there seems to be some sensitive souls out there. I need to remind the team leaders of the reason why I set this team up and what we are looking to get from this as individuals. That will be some e-mail to send.

Thursday 28th April OPENING DAY
Cancelled due to the rain,
No big surprise considering the rest of the week had fallen by the wayside. Team emailed and texted, as Hayley B was busy organising an alternative night out for the team, I was busy preparing to go off to London for a exclusive screening of Fever Pitch. This was a by product of work and Bristol softball, trying to convince 20th Century Fox and by de facto Rupert Murdoch, to stage the UK Premiere in the Millennium Stadium and also to sponsor softball in Bristol and beyond. They seem quite interested and hence the invite to Covent Garden Hotel for a first screening in the UK.

Prior to my departure have possibly found some success on the female front, long time since I said that, but the Bristol softball forum contained the following advert.

Bristol Softball Association Discussion Board: Players Looking for Teams: 3 girls looking for a home
________________________________________
By Anonymous on Wednesday, April 20, 2005 - 04:14 pm:

OK, maybe not a home, just a team we could be a part of over the summer. We're definitely div 3 material, although all have a decent level of fitness and between the 3 of us we can bat, catch, throw and run (although not sure that any one of us can do all of them!) Anyway, if you need some ladies to complement your squad then please get in touch by email:

From: David Cotton
Sent: 28 April 2005 14:36
Subject: Softball
Dear Ladies
If no one has snapped you up and you are looking for a friendly home, then please consider the newly created Leftfield Softball Deviants Too, if you have any spare time this Monday evening, please consider turning up to our practice sessions to meet the team.

I have cc'd Fiona, who like yourself is new to the sport, and is in charge of the recruitment, if you are interested, please communicate with her especially a mobile number just in case weather intervenes.

Enjoy your weekend!
Regards
David Cotton

Also with no word from Muppet chanced upon another advert which sounded promising.

Bristol Softball Association Discussion Board: Players Looking for Teams: Decent player looking for a team
________________________________________
By Andrew Richter on Thursday, April 21, 2005 - 12:52 am:

I'm a 32 year old guy who's recently moved to the Bristol area. Have played baseball/softball for a number of years in the US and UK, including playing the last 5 years for Sheffield Bladerunners in the national baseball league northern division. Can play any position required, though very little softball pitching experience.
Both replied in the positive, Anonymous became Wendy, and Andrew and the girls will be attending next training session on the Monday. So, that afternoon boarded the train for the capital.
Ah London, great to hit the tube at rush hour, a slightly cross eyed girl gave me the eye, but couldn’t for the life of me work out which one. Got lost in the multitude of St Martin’s prefixed boulevards and arrived late. Was met in the lobby by Jenny Fromer and John Boyd, people who dedicate their working lives to wind up the slowpitch community in Bristol, or so our local committee lead us to believe. After helping myself to a beer and a few olives courtesy of Rupert, went into the private screening. Wasn’t the sort of exclusive event I had imagined. Networking was limited to the girls from Oasis retail chain. Britain’s unfunniest comedian and fellow Bristolian Justin Lee Collins was also blagging. During trailers for three better films than I was likely to be watching, I amused myself during the Star Wars trailer with the judicious opening of the cover of the latest Empire Magazine which emits the Darth Vader breathing noises.

So to the film, an American adaptation of the breakthrough Nick Hornby book which inspired the new wave of lad lit and revoultionised sports book writing in this country blah blah. Thankfully, considering I had travelled 160 miles to see it, the film was a damn site better than the Colin Frith original. Replacing the sport of football with baseball, Arsenal with the Boston Red Sox, the row of baseball nuts enjoyed the baseball gags, in order being:
1) Pete Rose gag
2) Ted Williams freezer gag
3) Bill Bucknor gag

Whilst that will appeal to a few thousand people in the UK, if the film is not going to bomb it needs to market the rom com element, and market itself as a chick flick. It will resonate with those people whose partners are sports obsessive, live with 'man boys' and often feel they come a second best to the real love in their partners life. Therefore that covers most of Wales and also will preclude me suggesting to Mrs C that she should come along and watch the film, as the link between the Red Sox and the Seagulls of Brighton is painfully obvious.

The guys from Fox seem enthused about working through the proposal, so it could be a film that I get to see a few more times yet! Got home at 2am, on creeping into bed wife exclaimed that she was a badger.

Monday 2nd May
For many this was the first time training on the hallowed lawns of Clifton College Sports Ground. Gone are the potholes, bumps and divots of the Downs, instead the extremely well cared for divots and pock marks of school rugger and soccer pitches. Monday night training due to the Bank Holiday and serious meltdown regarding Kevin and training methods, I asked him to sort out the outfielding and this where it all went pear shaped. Basically James was instructed to hit fly balls into the air for the girls to catch, which they didn’t. Well, except for Rachel C who managed to hurt her hand in the process and stormed off. I got whinges from Alex, Debs and not surprisingly Rachel C. This is not going well.

I cannot be everywhere, I was looking after the three new girls, who between them could hit, catch and throw. Wendy was the oldest of the trio and the one who could throw, Dawn could hit and Katie, well, I wasn’t too sure at the moment what Katie could do, but it was a nice diversion from the shit storm brewing not so far away.

Just to stop the moaning, I promised I’d make sure that I placed in writing what we expected from everyone. Had a chat with James, who seems the most rational person around He concurred that there was some evident tension. Andrew also turned up and seemed a bit shy, but whilst he didn’t look special and did wear some outrageous shades, he does at least know what he is meant to do, which when setting up a new team is a Billy Bonus.

If I am going to enjoy this summer, then this has all to stop, no-one is to blame. I don’t think that this is going to go away either and time to get people to take up responsibility.

From: David Cotton
Sent: 04 May 2005 10:37
To: Kevin, James, Debs, Matt
Cc: trytime@trytime.org.uk
Subject: The forthcoming season
Dear Debs, Kevin, James, Matt and Billy
Whether on or off the diamond, we are over the first few months of the season, the teams' leaders. We have another 12 people in this squad who are new or are returning to this sport, and our main task is to provide guidance to ensure that week by week they become more confident and enjoy their Thursday nights. This is not a team that is going to win every game, it is however a team that if nurtured, will grow into a useful softball team that will stay in Div 2 hopefully with some ease. More importantly they will all be back next season.
What I propose is that some collective adherence to the following; this is mainly aimed at me and will serve as a written reminder
LET’S FOCUS PRIMARILY ON OUR OWN GAME
In the first few weeks alot is going to rest on the performances of us, pressure maybe, but we are all going to have to lead by example, we have to set the standards for hitting cut offs, throwing to the right bases, running the bases hard and yes (Billy) even sliding. Then we can provide examples of what the team should be doing.
MENTORING
We all take a couple of people each and steer them through the next few weeks, we will be their point of reference, if it is not your player and you have a suggestion go through the mentor. We cannot have people being bombarded with conflicting information from all sides, this will only confuse and possibly alienate people. Please don't shout advice at anyone, , of course shout as loud as you want when you are praising them, lets try and make sure even though we are teaching them that they don't feel like they are being lectured to. There a few sensitive souls out there, so lets be careful.
CALM DOWN DEAR IT’S ONLY A GAME
Get used to the fact that this team is going to make errors, but ensure that the players learn from those mistakes in private not public conversations. Do not go beyond your mentoring group. I will allocate you two people each on the night.
I would also appreciate your views on the following game tactics.
BASECOACHING
It is up to use five to do this and we have to be precise in what we shout. Team policy will be:
- On all outfield hits looking to two unless told otherwise.
- When on one and ball goes into the outfield looking to get to three unless told otherwise.
- When on two and the ball is hit into the outfield, going home unless told otherwise.
We have to tell them clearly and concisely when otherwise comes into play!
I know that we are going to have a few outs, but I also know that aggressive base running is going to give us a lot more runs and bases.
OUTFIELD SHIFTS
For the opposition girls, three outfielders are going to be along the third baseline of the diamond, with Centre Right situated on their right hand side of 2nd base.
It will also be applied for some of the blokes too. Trust me it works!
Kevin, if you see me with two arms aloft, this is the signal for the shift, either that or I am sniffing my armpits.
INFIELD SHIFTS
James, the vast majority of second division girls hit between 2nd and 3rd base, some hit the ball in the air over the pitcher. I suggest that Hayley stands a few metres behind second base?
This is all open to changes and would appreciate your input.
Team for Thursday:
P Billy Cotton
C Rachel Coglan
1st Chloe Mietle
2nd Hayley Butt
3rd Matt Turrigano
SS James Baker
LF Alex Parker
LC Hen Ridgeon
RC Kevin Pattenden
RF Fiona Reynolds
Going to give Dan, Steve and Sonia some game time too.
Cheers
Billy

Later found out Hen isn’t available for the first two weeks, bollocks. She’s injured her arm.

Wednesday May 2nd: One day to Opening day
At work, the banter started. A flurry of e-mails between me and Jerry mainly featuring on how many home runs he’s going to hit. Apparently, they haven’t trained at all and are short of players. Could be interesting, which is how you can describe my umpiring debut. Mentally, I had devised the approach that I was going to make mistakes but best to point out prior to the match that so was everyone else. Got the captains together and launched into the speech I had prepared;
“Ian, Glen, where is the strike zone?”

Gave them time to scale it down from, head to toe, and all the other smart arse comments made, until we got to edges of the plate, front knee and back shoulder.

“Right gentlemen we’ve agreed that’s the strike zone and like your pitcher I will endeavour to get it right and until I see perfection in front of the plate you have no right to expect perfection behind the plate. I won’t moan at your mistakes, so don’t moan at mine.”

Thankfully, after spouting that load of arrogant tosh, there were lots of errors in front of the plate which meant that the two howlers I pulled off had little bearing on the eventual result. Both pitchers appreciated the corners being brought into play, batters didn’t swing at rubbish which signified collective confidence in the strike zone and I didn’t have too many groans at decisions. Wade, ‘King of the Umpires, but tonight Matthew, he was centre fielder for Pitchforkers, was chipping in between innings with advice. Appreciated as it was, his third attempt at umpiring advice was met with a short lecture from me on his batting, which amused his team-mates no end.

The first team were playing tonight and Ginge turned in a 22-1 victory over the Desparadoes. Always knew that team needed a decent pitcher. Had a good chat with Clive, who’s getting married next summer, Sarah and Ginge after the match, noticeable that Piers wasn’t there, which was worrying. Even though it isn’t my place, I did suggest to those I talked to that they really needed to step into help Piers out. To be honest I think getting everyone together for a match has helped them realise that. As predicted way back, they will no doubt win the league again. I certainly didn’t see much threat from the match I umpired. Oh yeah, the ‘Cockney Prick’ blanked me, so all in all a bit of a result really.

Couldn’t sleep at all, still debating in my head what will happen on our opening day. Alas even my dreams are predicting defeat and worst of all a home run for Jerry. Troubled times indeed, when you find yourself start dreaming about Jerry.

Blimey it’s been exhausting and I haven’t played a game yet.

Pre Season Part Two Winter 2005

Sunday 2nd January 2005
Christmas has come and gone, and is the tradition of this year, I have resolved to keep up this diary a bit more frequently. Though to be fair, as it’s not about work and about the softball team not much has really happened. The team so far consisted of a pitcher, just need a catcher, an infield, a complete outfield oh and a few reserves wouldn’t go amiss either. This could be an interesting year, so time to start chasing up a few leads.

Thursday 13th January: James Baker
Lesson One for 2005: Want a softball team? Then scour the internet.
James had placed an advert on the local softball forum, but, due to that fact that he is a bloke meant he received no responses. Softball teams don’t need men, because all men who play softball are all great. They do however need women, because of course if a team isn’t doing well its because the women aren’t good enough. It’s precisely because of attitudes such as this that certain teams are short of women mainly because the blokes are total egotistical jerks and drives them away. Have to admit that in previous years I am guilty as charged, but that was the old me, new Billy is going to be all inclusive, even maybe warm and cuddly. Anyway back to James, his CV sounded impressive, he claimed he played baseball as a youth in the states, but when has the internet ever been the paragon of virtue and truth? Well, always worth a look, so e-mail sent and replied, agreed to meet up in the next few weeks.

Tuesday 18th January: Hayley Butt
Lesson Two for 2005: Reap what you sew.
In 2002, I agreed to help coach the Lloyds TSB works team, an extremely useful insight into how good or bad I can be when it comes to management. The first year they were awesome, the second year they disintegrated. Amidst the rubble stood Hayley Butt, who should have been playing Div One, fleet of foot, madness bordering on bravery when fielding at second and a good swinger. I was pretty determined to get her involved. If you don’t believe everything written on the internet, then Hayley clearly didn’t trust the content of my e-mail. Very self deprecating of her abilities, but the perceived flattery worked and she agreed to ‘give it a go’.

Monday 7th February: Steven Bunce
Lesson Three: There is always the mate option.
Arranged to finally meet up with James who was bringing a mate along, also interested in playing. We arranged to meet at the Hogshead in the Arches at the bottom of Gloucester Road. We ended up meeting at the Bishops Finger in the Arches, the venue hadn’t changed just the name. James and Steven are both doctors aged 27, married and eager to play softball. As stated in his e-mail James used to play short stop in Little League back in his stateside childhood. seems a confident chap, though when have you ever met a shy and bashful Doctor? Steven also comes across as a really nice guy. With respect to their marital status, there was no need to sell this on the dating angle, so having to sell softball to sportsmen was to be the tack of the evening. Steven plays rugby and goes running, so I guess that’s one of the outfielders sorted. Small world time, James’s wife works with my boss Kieran. Both agreed he (Kieran) needed to lighten up a bit, ‘takes things too seriously’.

Both were asked to look into female options, as for every boy there needs to be a girl. Which is a mantra I am beginning to repeat ad nausea.

Monday 14th February: Chloe Meitle
Lesson Four for 2005: It’s just a case of history repeating.
Every softball team needs a good first base, and they do not come any better than Chloe. Missed the last two seasons to injury, well, according to our old first team captain Piers Bentley pregnancy is an injury the 32 year old Paramedic didn’t take too much persuading to convince that a return to Softball was a good idea. Chloe and her slightly mad friend Henrietta Ridgeon were the heartbeat of the Leftfield Softball Deviants, they left at the very same time it began to get all too serious and the coincidence is not lost on me. Abiding memory of this now respectable married mother of one? Definitely the one when she found herself dancing in the roof beams of our clubhouse during the Bristol Softball Tournament in 2000. Not only is it a practice now officially banned by the ground authorities, but it is the benchmark that all future softball parties across the UK have been judged by. Now just have less than three months to sort out shift patterns to make her available for Softball, and also to work on persuading Hen to play along with us.

WEDNESDAY 16th FEBRUARY 2005 Michael Robinson-Moltke
Lesson Five: This is what we will call the Muppet Show
The Leftfield Softball Deviants is not my only legacy to the Bristol sporting scene. During the same time that I set up the softball team, I had gotten into my head that Oxfam would benefit greatly from the staging of rugby matches in University towns across the country. Until 1996, such contests were the preserve of Oxford and Cambridge, but during that year I spent an inordinate amount of time persuading Uni’s that it would work in their town. The first match was November 1996 between Bristol University and University West of England (aka Bristol Poly) and over the previous eight contests over 27,000 have paid their £5’s to various charities. The Bristol match was followed by a whole succession of matches around the country, either directly established by myself or heavily influenced by the Oxfam series. I genuinely hope that these are still going if any child of mine goes to University. Cos their aged dad is going to look cool.

Michael Robinson-Moltke was the captain of the UWE team during a four year period when overturning years of tradition they beat the Bristol team three years out of four, Bristol drawing the first one in the seventh minute of alleged injury time. Known to all as Muppet, the six foot seven inch second rower was always very polite and courteous when our professional paths crossed. During the last summer Muppet chanced upon me playing softball and also across a stunning woman called Tania, who was in the opposition. He stated he liked what he saw, and I think he didn’t mind the softball either. So, during the course of a typically raucous occasion not only did Muppet confirm his interest in playing he also reckon he could also get three netball girls to come along, which would have a pretty dramatic affect on the recruitment process. Bristol University won, but all in all it was a goodnight. Though, for the first time ever I didn’t go to the post match party, I have reached the point in my life when being in a room full of scantily clad 20 year old women just didn’t appeal. God, I hope it’s a temporary point.

Sunday 27th February: Matt Turrigiano
Lesson Six for 2005: The Yanks are coming.
Steeped in baseball, on secondment to Bristol, well, this was going to be a no brainer. Okay, he loves the Yankees, voted for George Dubya, was seconded to the Vineyard, and passionately believed in the Lord Jesus Christ, but he is going to know what he is doing. Had a quick chat on the phone, sounded really keen and said he played third base which meant half the infield is sorted and despite not signing off ‘Oakely Dokely’ he surely will be our teams Ned Flanders.

Sunday 6th March: THE LEAGUE TEAM
Spring training for the league team commences. In the US, Baseball spring training is conducted in the 70°+F temperatures of Florida and Arizona. In Bristol, this is conducted on the Downs, a vast expanse of public space in the middle of Bristol’s more affluent areas.

The sun is bright, the sky is a clear blue and we are enjoying temperatures of about 1°C. I don’t think I have ever played as well as I did today, that is played as well whilst wearing five layers, and a woolly hat. This was the first gathering of the 2005 squad, and it is pretty clear that I have a bit of work cut out if I am going to feature in this team. Gareth Preece, is running the squad and pitches, and the Great Britain pitcher, David Lee fresh from breaking up another Comp A team, is pledging his colours to the project. Ironically it is a project that I started.

During 2002 and 2003 the LSDs were representing Bristol in the Comp A nationals. Having qualified by beating all that Bristol had to offer, we found ourselves having to play teams from all over the UK that were strengthened immeasurably by over a dozen players from other Bristol teams, global gatherings under a convenient geographical name, just like a premiership football team. Historically, Bristol softball is club based, and if you wanted to play Comp A they either joined the top Bristol club, Raiders, Ge Wizz and now the LSDs, who were playing Comp A or as they normally did just join a London based Comp A team. I don’t think it was fair, and boy did it annoy me at times. So, instead of moaning about it, I thought I would do something about it.

In 2004, I changed the plan, and instead of a club side we became a league side. Gareth and Lillian from Orange started the trend and over the course of the summer, people such as Kirstie Leach and Rachel Down pledged a return in 2005. To complete the transition then managed to convince Gareth and Lillian that they would be the best people to front the project. Gareth wouldn’t need much persuasion as I would expect him to take over my position as pitcher after all it was exactly what I did to him in 2004. So, having got Bristol Softball the level playing field I desired cannot really complain if I am not allowed on it.

During the previous week I had a chat with Gareth, pledged my availability then checked the seven dates then find out that I am unavailable due to weddings and holiday for six of them. Looking forward to the one I can make, and Gareth promised I would be selected. He is going to be a good leader of this project and unless David throws the toys out of this pram, I might have to set up a B team or something in 2006.
Really enjoyed the training, mainly due to the cold it was a session dominated by fielding drills. It was the first time I had seen Mike Baptie and things were cordial. Piers, Bob and Leiza were also present. No one asked about the new team, just as well really considering we are a few numbers short of the full team. It does feel a bit awkward all of this, but, I am not going to hide away.

Monday 15th March 2005 Debs Holmes / Alex Parker
Lesson Seven: Experienced coaching and husband
Debated long and hard about this one, but I am going to need help on the sidelines to run this team. So, e-mailed Debs to ask if her and her husband Alex would be interested. I am sure I e-mailed her last Autumn and got no reply, but thought best to persevere. Her value is in her bluntness the ability to cut through bullshit, if I get anything wrong in terms of running the team I am going to be told to my face. What I hope is that the season’s objectives are clear and that she too has had enough of Comp A / Div One to actually sit back and relax. Well, she hasn’t got much option, she’s four months pregnant. I keep wondering about this but I don’t think at this moment I have an option.

So we just get Alex, who spent a whole season watching the LSDs first team and being ignored by most of the team, because Debs’s ex Clive was playing. Piers and myself talked to him, but it was all a bit awkward. What I did remember was that he actually looked good in training sessions he participated in, and, he’s young which again means that he can play outfield and run around.

Wednesday 16th March 2005
Oh the joys of putting a new team together, the following e-mail was received from Muppet in response to drumming up support for tonight’s social.

Billy,
I will hopefully see you at the Picture House later. However I may have had a nightmare on the female front. I've managed to recently have a rather messy split from my now X girlfriend. The result of this, is that in the short term the group of girls I was looking to put in the softball mix, are currently not really having much to do with me. I do however only see this as a short term problem. However I appreciate that's not very helpful for tonight's get together.
Muppet

WEDNESDAY 16TH MARCH 2005 Rachel Coggon
Lesson Seven: Organise a piss up in a bar
I am starting to get a bit worried on the numbers front, mainly that we have still yet to get any of the City Slickers on board. It seemed ideal time to try that and gather as many people as possible in a social sense. Hayley B brought along a work colleague Rachel Coggon. Claims that she played a few times for the Busi Bees but for the life of me I couldn’t remember her, she felt that might be because that she wasn’t very good. Well, we shall see. The two doctors turned up and Buncey said he had managed to get another girl Sonia Barnfield interested in playing. Might have snared a third girl, and all very 1995 as well, she was our waitress and being a Kiwi was up for it. Of course she was going back home for six weeks but when she returned she might be interested. Its like summer transfer speculation in the murky world of the Premiership, I will believe new people, when I see new people.

Texted Muppet during the evening and at 8.30pm received the reply;
‘Trying to patch things up with the Mrs. It may be for the good of softball, hope it goes okay tonight.’

Is it wrong for me to hope that Muppet does sort his love life out, solely because it will bring in three female players? Am I putting my happiness before his? You bet your sweet arse I am!

Pre Season Part One Winter 2004

PRE SEASON 2005

I BUILT IT, WILL ANYONE COME?

Sunday 17th April
“And they say men cannot show commitment?”
The boys agreed, as for the third training session only Fi, Hayley B and Rachel had showed up. Hayley, the B is for Butt, is an exceptional player but even she would find it hard to play in three positions. It’s the third week of April and with only one week to go before ‘Opening Day’, the Leftfield Softball Deviants (LSDs) Too, find themselves still unsure of certain key points in the starting line up.

We had already inked in James Baker, short stop. A doctor by trade, the 27 year old was born and raised in Orange County, and has already demonstrated a steady glove, accurate arm and the calmness you’d damn well expect from your local GP when faced with a potential crisis, as every infield play will undoubtedly resemble. Third base is 32 year old native of Brooklyn, Matt Turrigano, a left handed slugger of traditional US softball stature, who is likely at this stage to end of up being called ‘Flanders’, more of that later. Second base will reside Hayley Butt, 29 year old Marketing Analyst for a major High Street Bank was one of my charges a few seasons back when I coached her works team, and was the best player by miles. Should be in our first team, but neither of us have any inclination to see that happen at the moment.

First base is at the moment Fiona Reynolds. ‘Fiesty Fi’ has already got the ball in the face initiation out of the way and is showing signs of actually enjoying the stresses of playing in this very important position. Her day job is sending out those people who stop you on the High Street to enquire whether you’ve got two minutes to help solve third world debt / child poverty or in her case, a chronic shortage of females who can play first base. Pitcher is me. Rachel Coggan, is the catcher, a newcomer to the sport she is hitting the ball well and is developing a theory that if she swings at the first pitch, the next two pitches will be balls. Has already got the art of taking the piss out of the captain down to a fine art, and already is clearly going to be an absolute ‘joy’ to boss around.

Alex Parker, the team baby at 23, yet married with a kid on the way, will be our leftfielder. He is our teams’ Mr White Van Driver, and has opinions on most subjects not least on who should be accompanying him in he rest of the outfield. And that, one and a half weeks before our scheduled Opening Day is as certain as we will be about
a) who is going to turn up and,
b) where they are going to play.

So how did we get here?

August 2004
“That’s it I am not f****** playing for the LSDs’ next season if your playing, I am fed up with your moaning”

In the warm up before our vital match in our quest for our third successive league title, captain and short stop Mike Baptie unloads in front of the team. I should have walked off there and then but I kept quiet and pitched a good game and then brought my season to a close. The context of this outburst was the lack of an umpire, and the fact that if this continued we wouldn’t have a match. On the sidelines was Karen Stokes, and when told that she couldn’t umpire due to looking after Polly’s kid, I commented; ‘well if she doesn’t umpire we will all be looking after Polly’s kid”.

Now in a season when Mike has been whinged at by Amar, Clive, Debs, Bob and Ginge on the occasions he had to bench them, it didn’t rank as the number one gripe but it certainly played out as such. So that was that, the umpire turned up, I pitched well, the team won through and at the end “fuck you Baptie, I am off”.

This was all to a backdrop in some pretty stressful times in my private life. My attempts at self employment were floundering and the financial strains were tearing my marriage apart piece by piece. The blame for this was entirely at my door. Since May 2003, I had been trying to establish a sports marketing company, and despite some well received ideas, money was not coming in. I worked extremely hard, but ultimately the ideas were not finding support amongst sports bodies and professional clubs.

Spending anymore weekends or indeed money playing softball were a no no, having explained this to Piers and Kama, I kind of hibernated safe in the knowledge that this would all be understood. It soon transpired that I was wrong, over the next few weeks word got back to me that I had seemingly fallen out with the rest of the team . Admittedly I didn’t help disabuse the rumours. During Kama’s farewell party, her and husband Rich were travelling around the world, I think I spoke two words to most, though did have long conversations with a homeward bound Thomas Zuazola our Spanish baseball star and also Clive. I just felt self conscious about having revealed my current domestic situation and certainly didn’t feel well disposed to discussing it any further.

Wednesday 2nd November 2004
Fast forward three months and the questions about who I was going to play for started to nag. That I could focus on this was down to finally getting a job and passing my driving test, at the age of 38, all in the same week. This helped bridge the growing divide at home, and not a moment too soon.

The job was in Sports Marketing with the Welsh Sports Association Commercial Unit. Recruited on a presentation that highlighted the ideas that for the last 18 months had found so little favour, I would be working on behalf of 14 national governing bodies of sport and given the opportunity to develop the ideas and more importantly net £1600 a month. The interview itself was a breeze, despite the chairman of the panel taking a mobile phone call during my pitch, I did ask later whether it was a deliberate ploy, but no it wasn’t and on reflection the conversation that engaged in whilst I was talking about membership benefits was pretty detailed. A more welcome mobile phone call from John O’Callaghan received today brought forth an overwhelming sense of relief and personal vindication. Camilla was in tears when I told her, the cats seemed excited too. Great day, only tempered by the fact that George W Bush got re-elected and Brighton lost 3-0 at Derby. Mind you, just for once I couldn’t give a damn. I e-mailed everybody who I thought cared, got some great replies from those who did!

Delved into debt a little bit more and celebrated in style with Camilla. It was then at this point in time I decided to try and keep tabs of how this new team was going to come about. Well, I had to do something on these daily train commutes to Wales.

Thursday 3rd November 2004
For the first time in 12 months awoke without any stress, god it felt good!

Sunday 6th November 2004
Played indoor softball, a sport which bears little semblance to the outdoor version that it deserves a complete book to itself. Anyway, hit seven home runs in our two matches, only hit three in 16 matches last season. When things come together they certainly come together. People asking about this feud with the LSDs, try and explain that its’ really only Mike I have problems with and if I did stay then he leave and take a few players with him, so its’ best to leave well alone. All this interest in little ol’ me?

I am now going to really get this new team sorted out.

Monday 7th November 2004
Right lets get down to sorting out this softball team then. But how exactly do you get to recruit a completely new team?

Could go for an easier option and play for another established team. I think I have enough cache, people tend to be well disposed to me. Well, not everyone, or I would still be playing for the LSDs. I don’t think it would be wise to play in Division One, that would be too awkward a social situation and frankly everyone else has established pitching and I have been stuck at that job far too long to start convincing people I can do justice to another position.

Nope, if I am convinced that this would be good for me to start afresh, bring myself in contact with situations that will help me understand the type of person I am, then a new team it is.

It’s a decision that comes with a few reservations. We would have to start at the bottom of the three tiered pyramid and I am not really convinced that I want to play in Division Three. Sure it is more relaxed and should be viewed as fun, but its also a division whose motto should be, ‘send me your weak, overweight, inept and we won’t improve them’. No matter what attitude I take into this now, at some point, possibly the second Tuesday of the season, there will be the great desire overwhelming me to win the whole damn thing. I don’t like that Billy Cotton anymore!

It is a nagging concern, but not as huge as the main one that affects all captains and managers of Softball teams. Where do I get the girls from?

It’s not like the establishment of the 1995 Leftfield Softball Deviants, could be much a yardstick for 2005. Then, I was single, I had mates who were single and we all used to go out a lot more than we do in our late thirties. The Leftfield Softball Deviants was a sports team that came into existence purely as a way for three single men to meet women.

In those days I had these pretensions to be a writer and was still basking in some glory as the ex-editor of a cricket fanzine called Johnny Miller 96 Not Out. Luckily the publisher of a local listings magazine was a big fan and got me some gigs writing on unusual sports, and on the face of it, they didn’t come any stranger than softball. Men and women in the same team; are they mad? It will never work.

Having made contact with the local softball league, I accepted the invitation to turn up to an outdoor dog toilet masquerading as a council run sports centre in Horfield, Bristol for an introductory session run by a man with a beard and a girl called Leiza, (currently now third base for the LSDs first team).

Being a cricketer it all seemed quite easy, catching throwing and batting, but what really grabbed the attention was the fact that out of 27 participants, 26 were female. These were odds I could handle!

Next Saturday, whilst playing cricket for Westbury Thirds, I looked around the rest of my team and I turned to steady opening bat and even steadier dentist, Tim Amess and said,
‘Hey,Timbo, fancy playing a sport with better looking players.’
It didn’t take him too long to say yes.

That night the momentum gathered apace.

That night in the Cadbury House, I met his friend, a fellow dentist by the name of Simon Dunn, Tim had on the Way mentioned the fact that we were talking about setting up a softball team, Simon, a baseball fanatic since childhood, proudly exclaimed that he had a glove and a bat. It was start.

By that night we had hatched a plan, the team consisted of two dentists, a cricketer, one bat, a glove and a very cunning plan to use the softball team as an attempt to chat up women. Over the next couple of weeks, the recruiting began in earnest, and within the space of 18 days we assembled on Durdham Downs for that iconic first practice. The other nine to turn up that night were;
Barry Hecker:
Film maker, ex sub editor of Johnny Miller 96 Not Out.
Colette Hodges:
Film editor, ex sub editor of Johnny Miller 96 not out girlfriend of Barry.
Ben Harris:
Photographer and friend of Barry and Collette.
Carol Holmes:
Partner of Ben, teacher whose surname I could never remember, but a text message to Mr Hecker has just sorted.
Rob Dorrington:
Student, renting a room in my house, fellow Brighton supporter.
Andrea Brewin:
Student, course-mate of Rob.
Richard Martin:
Known forever as Bob, student, course mate of Rob.
Clare Skivington:
Fellow Oxfam volunteer, who just happened to be extremely gorgeous.
Ben Nicholson:
Her boyfriend and therefore never liked by the rest of the males in the team.

We borrowed equipment from a girl who was at the training session, we were kinda seeing each other. I told you the odds were in my favour. It was that night that I revealed the team name, Ironically, Ben and Carol the people who were responsible for the moniker, never came to another practice, as legacies go, it was a strange one that has baffled people for years.

In all honesty, the fact that the teams name could be abbreviated to a class A drug was not borne of radicalism just circumstance. Flicking through Ben’s eclectic CD collection we chanced upon ‘Leftfield’, which had baseball and therefore softball connotations. ‘Deviants’, was a tongue in cheek reference to a previous article on Aussie Rules football, which Ben took the photographs for and still hasn’t been paid. So with Leftfield Deviants we thought we had a good name, but, then thought best if we got the ‘Softball’ bit into the title. Leftfield Softball Deviants sounded good, it took about two minutes to then note the significance of the initials,
‘ah no-one will notice’ said Ben already knowing that he wouldn’t be around to explain it.

So through the summer of 1995 people came and went from the LSDs. Those who stayed, recruited players from their own circles. Barry, indirectly recruited Ginge, through an extremely unhinged woman whose name I cannot remember and really wouldn’t do me any good if I did. Ginge came onto the scene two weeks in and has never left. Simon dragged in dentists, Clare dragged in her flatmates, Tim and myself got fellow cricketers and their partners into the squad. As for the master plan, despite my flying start, it soon became clear that only Mr Dunn was going to reap the benefits of my inspiration. We soon played regular Bristol league teams in friendlies and won most of them. Our application to join the league was accepted and in 1996, we joined Division Three of the Bristol Softball Association.

Winning Div Three in the very first year was a bit of a special start, we lost two matches all season and reached some cup final. Two abiding memories of our first season, Andrea’s tight yellow shorts and the single at bat of Kyran Bracken. The future Rugby World Cup winner came in for a single at bat, hit an infield dribbler and got in on first base.

It then all got huge. The team stalled in Div 2 for a eternity, whilst I started a second team. Hopefully as a portent for my current plans, this team won the rival Downs League then having been booted out of that we went and won Division Three in 1998.

If I was to look back at the best period of my softball career, then 1998‘s running of the second team was a particular highlight. Got a great team together, people like Daniel Tooker an American zen hippy, and the genial presence of Paul Tomlinson provided the essential experience. Andy Newstead provided the hair style, a mad Kiwi by the name of Andy Moore provided the thrills and spills. The girls all blended seamlessly together and winning the league on a double play from two girls illustrated the strength of feeling on and off the field.

It all went horribly wrong in 1999, when two teams in the same division just caused too many problems. It didn’t help that I jumped ship I started to play regularly for the first team, mainly infield and catcher We simply struggled to get twenty plus people out on the same night, at one stage both teams could have got relegated, the matches between us were not fun and it caused a shed load of resentment.

When in spring 2000, Timbo emigrated to NZ and as I happened to be on a six week secondment to NZ, I had the job of escorting him out of the country. By the time I had returned our second team had split away to become the Sloggers. Leaner and meaner, focusing on one team rather than two we suddenly found a greater challenge. After four unspectacular seasons in Div Two we got promoted by default as loads of first division teams had folded over the winter. The 2000 season had been significant for another reason. On August 7th I was guest pitching for the Imperial Softball Team. My catcher was Camilla Lewis, in August 2001 she became Mrs Camilla Cotton. It had taken me six years, but the plan had come together, it was definitely worth the wait.

2001 was a good time to play First Division softball in Bristol. With our female pitcher Vivienne pregnant, I got back the job I lost in 1996. That change, combined with the acquisition of some good ex first division players, helped us finish fourth in our debut season and qualified for the B nationals in Canterbury, neatly scheduled a week after return from honeymoon.

We lost in the final of our first B grade nationals, it was an awesome weekend, and the first time that Mike Baptie played for us at short stop. God he was good, his value doubled as it meant that Bob was playing third base. All our captains have had this delusion they were great short stops. Mike wasn’t deluded and in two years was our captain.

We then won three successive league titles and Wednesday’s became uber boring. Turn up and turn over. Weekends were thankfully different. Playing against the big boys and girls we got catapulted into the top ten in the country, surprised them in the beginning but mainly dropped back into the seventh or eighth ranking. Last summer we got people from other teams along to turn it into a league team and at times we struggled but it was a turning point in Bristol softball.

As season 2005 commences only Bob and myself remain from the original 12.
Simon has retired, though has volunteered to coach the new girls, (yep he’s currently single). Tim’s in NZ and getting married next February. Barry is now a Director on BBC Two’s Flog It, Colette is a leading TV and film editor, they move in more stellar company but stopped being an item in 1998. Still good friends though, in fact Colette was bridesmaid at Barry and Carolyn’s wedding. Rob Dorry is in Cardiff, Andrea I have no idea, Ben too. Perhaps we need to set up Deviants Reunited website. Clare was last seen living with another ex LSD player in London. So turning back the clock was not an option.

Married, not playing cricket and all my friends now playing softball for other teams. This was going to be quite different than 1995. Instead of the 12 days it took then, it looks like its going to take a few months to get this team together. It is, however, nearly Christmas and frankly with the new job and all it can wait!

Sunday 14th November
Second week of indoor softball and apart from getting no home runs, told you last week was a fluke; I may have found a solution to starting in Division Three. It appears that a team in Division Two is folding, meaning a vacancy. Had a chat with the team’s organiser, Tim Crocker, and suggested that a solution to my problem would be if the City Slickers and LSDs were to merge. Tim really couldn’t care less and was happy to acquiesce. It also means that we might get a few experienced players. Definitely, this is a good plan.

Wednesday 17th November
Must be a good plan, as the League have said they would have no problems with it, as long as we have a core of players from the team we takeover. What constitutes a core? Well, we need at least seven players. According to Tim that might be a bit of a tough ask but I will give it a go!